"3 days in Rome, where did it go, I'll always remember 3 days in Rome" - Sheryl Crow, THE BOOK.
QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND: "...oh. It's a Cultural thing." (HRH)
I'm so glad I went because Rome was not the place I think of when I think of Italy but it was SO perfect. I'm still having trouble believing I ACTUALLY went to Italy - the place I've been dying to go to since I was very young! It's been a long time coming and now I've really done it! I can't imagine what it's gonna be like with South Africa. I might cry. While I realized that, essentially, European cities are very similar (specifically similar to NYC) and while I was so excited to learn that I live in a place among the greats...I also think that every city (and town) has their own special things/moments and I was fortunate enough to be traveling with two girls who were up for attempting to see ALL the great stuff in Rome. We didn't see everything I'm sure but what we did see was SO great!!!! Plus, we had time to wander as well! The food was even beyond my expectations, the wine was as smooth as grape juice ('nothing like drinking it from the source!' -dad), I turned my back to the Trevi Fountain, threw in a coin and made a wish to come back to Rome (also sand from Little Mermaid at the top of my lungs, wherein an Italian man originally from northern AFRICA told me he was in love with me and wanted to take me to the Pantheon), I learned about SPQR and how all roads lead to Rome, I even caught the changing of the guard right before I left on Sunday night!!!!! There were so many great moments and I'm so happy I went so that I was able to come back to Prague refreshed and ready to go back to the good ol' Crown!!!!
11/13/09
Great Synagogue
For the first time I felt a connection to the Jewish culture because it is a culture. That is what connects people to the faith. A woman on the tour (her name, I learned later, was Marina Goldberg and she’s an artist in Tsfat. She said I should come visit her if I’m ever in the area!) who had been given money, food and shelter from Rome after moving with two kids was “coming back to say thank you.” I thought that was so beautiful because that’s exactly what I thought I was doing. Coming to say thank you to a city and especially to a country that has meant so much to me in all aspects of my life and my culture. Thank you to the people who worked so hard at creating and then restoring and continuously restoring this temple so that Jews will have a safe place to be. That’s what synagogues are for all over the world – a place of safety. Jews can walk into a synagogue anywhere and be safe. I’d like to amend that statement to say that anyone with peace in their heart can be safe in a temple. It is a place of Love, Peace and Shelter.
11/14/09
The Sistine Chapel at The Vatican (Museum)
BLEW MY MOTHAFUCKIN’ MIND and yet it was so much more elaborate than the temple and many temples aren’t in tact all over the world when chapels and churches are. It was such a diverse contrast and I thought it was such an interesting piece of living, breathing history. It inspired me so much to be an artist in that space. “WE ARE SO FORTUNATE,” as Samantha kept saying.
Staring up at The Hands and all the other stories that were depicted on the walls…and ceilings…and floors…and windows…
it all felt so circular. It was like the song, The Story Goes on because I could see where I am now as an artist relating to those who came before me and all the artists to come after me.
After visiting the Sistine Chapel I have a renewed interest in History, specifically (you guested it!) Art History and Theater History. Standing inside, I got this overwhelming feeling that I was a part of something so much bigger (Greater) than I could ever imagine. As an artist, I am a part of something that dates back...WAYYYYYYY back to before I can even fathom time existing. I am a part of that and it doesn't really matter what films I'm cast in or who does/n't like me. It's about adoring my art and taking part in something that is so important to the world.
11/15/09
The Coliseum, The Forum and the last snipits of Roma!
Whereas at the Vatican I realized the importance of the Creation of art, at the Coliseum I realized the importance of THE MUSE. I think the pictures really tell the story with this one because I just had so much fun pretending to be in Coliseum times and acting out fights and muse poses, etc. I was so spiritually tickled by the idea that I could play in one of the oldest ‘playing grounds’ that exist today. I was also really excited by the fact that that was EXACTLY what I wanted to do. I always say, “well, I’m not really an actor, it’s something I enjoy but I could never really do it.” Mmmm…guess what Holland? You LOVE to PLAY! Visiting the Coliseum and also walking around the other Roman Ruins and even traipsing around the city while getting back to the hostel made me realize that I haven’t lost that sense of fun, it’s just been burid by adult skepticism and perfectionism. But I’m still that 4 year old Holland acting out fully staged productions of Beauty and the Beast in my living room. I’m still the 6 year old Holland singing the words “gastronomic wonder” perfectly in her temple choir for an audience of at least 100 in the park for Chanukah. I’m still the 9/10 year old Holland singing “Mommy is a Mermaid” at the White House. I’m still the screaming 14 year Holland on the set of Sex and the City. I’m still the 20 year old running around Europe wishing to get up on stage and sing her heart out but learning how to create character on screen and learning so much about herself in the process.
And what’s great is, the moment I let go (and I did let go on many things and my body has shown it by having my period and finally getting sick lolz), I got two calls for auditions for project 4s, which isn't the best in terms of knowing that I have parts but it IS what I've been complaining about forever which is I want the chance to show my stuff and know that I did the best I could. I want know that I was 'in the running,' know that I had SOME control/know that I put myself out and someone decided based on what I could give!
Subsequently, I have been cast in several other projects. Projects that truly excite me and will give me a fantastic chance to take risks and show off what I love about acting: PLAYING.
I just keep thanking the Universe for all of these great things because what better to do in a place of complete High but to say THANK YOU????
I have to say a special thank you to my aunt Rachel, though. In many ways the bracelet you gave me has truly pushed me forward in times of despair here. I have a physical reminder of a very important principle on my left wrist: THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS…CHOOSE THE GOOD ONES!
LOVE!!!! <3
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halfway Point or, Rome is UnReal! or, Put Down Your Camera. This is Your Life.
So, I was all ready to have this big Halfway Point blog entry, right? I was gonna reflect on my time here and have all these quotes about making it through and being strong and I was gonna talk about things that I discussed with my parents over the phone and it was gonna be poignant and beautiful and amazing. And then...it was suddenly November 16th, I was sitting in front of my computer and I began to realize that I'm in it now. I'm living it, doing it, being here and I have just over a month left until I go home for the holidays and only about a month after that until I go to a WHOLE. 'NOTHER. CONTINENT and take the Holland Experience to a WHOLE. 'NUTHA. LEVEL.
Well, it's not surprising to me either than another landmark flew by as I was flouncing around being an American student in Europe. I was expecting my anniversary (3 years being clean of self-injury) to be Friday the 13th which is also To Write Love on Her Arms Day and I wanted to participate in both and knew that I wanted to go to the Great Synagogue (the Jewish Museum) in Rome that day. Well, in all the hustle and bustle, I totally forgot about both but I did go to the Synagogue and had a WONDERFUL time. It was sad and moving, but also inspiring (as was everything else we saw in Rome!). I was so mad, tho, when I realized this morning I completely forgot about my anniversary, so I went back to my calendar. A smile crept through when I learned I hadn't counted since July 25th and my anniversary was actually November 12th!!!!!!!
I am very happy that everything happened the way it did. I've been wishing for the time when self-injuring will truly be a part of who I was (not who I am) and I think this weekend is a real landmark in my movement towards that goal. I'm so happy about it and while I need to find a way to commemorate it, I am excited that my life dictate the commemoration rather than me trying to create it synthetically :D
Okay, that having been said, I think I'm gonna split this up into a set of three plaugs but I'll keep the title anyway cuz I like it.
Here are some musings from the midpoint:
- Shall I remind you, dearest Holland, that the reason you care so much, sometimes even worry so much, is because there still exists between you and life, a passionate love affair. And because of this, everything's going to be just fine (TUT)
Things are really good, I just have a lot of anxiety here, which some say is attributed to a little bit of culture shock. What I've learned recently is that I have a very strong sense of self. However, I think I need to do exactly what others are doing or need to make them happy or be something specific for them (perfect): that outweighs my sense of self and confidence and I get anxious.
…”if I did it their way I would be succeeding because they’re succeeding.” (Mom)
- “Never underestimate the beauty and the power of a dark, grey day.” –Dad’s phil prof (prof cotton) "I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do." (Email from Rachel)
The lowest of the low means that a fantastic high is coming. It's what I've learned from Buddhism and what I am experientially learning here in Prague.
- I do believe, Holland, that if people would just start by saying "it's fun," when it seems hard; "I'm happy," when they seem sad; and "I know," when it seems as if they don't, they'd finally discover that it really is, they really are, and they always have. (TUT)
- Sometimes u just have to be homesick and skype until the cows come home!!!!!
Well, it's not surprising to me either than another landmark flew by as I was flouncing around being an American student in Europe. I was expecting my anniversary (3 years being clean of self-injury) to be Friday the 13th which is also To Write Love on Her Arms Day and I wanted to participate in both and knew that I wanted to go to the Great Synagogue (the Jewish Museum) in Rome that day. Well, in all the hustle and bustle, I totally forgot about both but I did go to the Synagogue and had a WONDERFUL time. It was sad and moving, but also inspiring (as was everything else we saw in Rome!). I was so mad, tho, when I realized this morning I completely forgot about my anniversary, so I went back to my calendar. A smile crept through when I learned I hadn't counted since July 25th and my anniversary was actually November 12th!!!!!!!
I am very happy that everything happened the way it did. I've been wishing for the time when self-injuring will truly be a part of who I was (not who I am) and I think this weekend is a real landmark in my movement towards that goal. I'm so happy about it and while I need to find a way to commemorate it, I am excited that my life dictate the commemoration rather than me trying to create it synthetically :D
Okay, that having been said, I think I'm gonna split this up into a set of three plaugs but I'll keep the title anyway cuz I like it.
Here are some musings from the midpoint:
- Shall I remind you, dearest Holland, that the reason you care so much, sometimes even worry so much, is because there still exists between you and life, a passionate love affair. And because of this, everything's going to be just fine (TUT)
Things are really good, I just have a lot of anxiety here, which some say is attributed to a little bit of culture shock. What I've learned recently is that I have a very strong sense of self. However, I think I need to do exactly what others are doing or need to make them happy or be something specific for them (perfect): that outweighs my sense of self and confidence and I get anxious.
…”if I did it their way I would be succeeding because they’re succeeding.” (Mom)
- “Never underestimate the beauty and the power of a dark, grey day.” –Dad’s phil prof (prof cotton) "I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do." (Email from Rachel)
The lowest of the low means that a fantastic high is coming. It's what I've learned from Buddhism and what I am experientially learning here in Prague.
- I do believe, Holland, that if people would just start by saying "it's fun," when it seems hard; "I'm happy," when they seem sad; and "I know," when it seems as if they don't, they'd finally discover that it really is, they really are, and they always have. (TUT)
- Sometimes u just have to be homesick and skype until the cows come home!!!!!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Look at this stuff! Isn't it neat?
Ran into a flea market today. I had seen glimpses of it and always just figured it would be around the next day and then it wasn't. I finally went today (it's the last day for the season - meaning until it gets warm again - meaning not while I'm here) and it was FANTASTIC! I walked out of there with a great present AND a fantastic coat! This has made me realize that, especially when one is abroad, they should take EVERY opportunity that comes along. You never know when something is a one-day-only kinda deal.
...especially when it's in Czech.
...especially when it's in Czech.
Monday, October 19, 2009
So, now that I'm gonna have internet...
I'm gonna miss the experience I'm having right now: finding a random internet cafe and staying here for 3 hours as I try to sew up the holes that internet-less life has left.
In fact, for a Virgo, that activity is very satisfying.
Oh wait. I haven't plaugged in a while, have I?
Mmk, so updates:
1.) Sir? Please stop looking at me so lecherously.
It has come to my attention that Czech men, or at least the ones I've come into contact with, have very lecherous faces. That needs to stop. Whether they really are looking at me that way (like the guy who asked me something in Czech that was probably 'come home with me' on the tram this...3am...) or not doesn't matter. It needs to stop.
2.) ITMI: In This Moment I...
Here is what I told a friend recently: "Well, in this moment I am doing amazingly well. I feel so happy that my trekking paid off (I have a month's worth of internet that begins tomorrow) and I have arrived at the perfect internet cafe where the waitress is sweet, the tea is original and I have my own little shrine in the corner with pillows and space galore.
Conversely, in the recent week or so I've been tackling MAJOR self-woes that have dragged me down for years. Meeting European classmates and learning from how they handle stress/adult life has opened my eyes to new ways of dealing with myself and I finally feel like I'm breaking through into adulthood.
...in other words, I'm good. How are you?"
So, I suppose that sums it up best, hm?
Every moment is completely different here and, though I won't admit it out loud, that's exactly how I like it.
3.) The Benny Five
This seems to be the Tried and True self-affirmation that got me through a WHOLE LOT in Oberlin. I've moved in and out of a lot of sayings because positive self-talking is NOT my strong point. I've moved through Sister Goddessly chatting, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, crying...lotsa stuff, and it's all helpful.
I have found something new, too. "I AM OKAY." I simply repeat it over and over to myself until I believe it or until I really am OKAY. I mean, it can vary, depending on the situation: "I am loved" "I have done nothing wrong" "I am making the right choice" "Look at how much you've done!" "I am completely perfect in every single way."
It's really been helping, and I'm glad because it's been a tough road to being able to surpass anxiety. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all. I'm just saying that this is working right now in this time and space and I'm feeling SO good about it.
4.) And there is so much more...
God, I'm just learning so much here. I mean, that's what I cam here for, right? That's what I set out to Europe to do. To learn as much as I possibly could about a the many zillion things I don't know. I am growing up before my own eyes and everyone here is helping me to get there. I want to travel and I affirm that it will happen soon. I think it's all so difficult to take in because I know that I have a whole 'nother semester abroad, and yet I'm very homesick. I don't know if it's the pull of New York City or what, but I miss pizza and 24 hour delis and late night cookie dough ice cream dates with Kyle. I miss Steak and Shake and watching the wall for hours at a time. Everything here is BIG. I wake up to BIG WIDE WORLD of adulthood everyday in a completely new place with a totally different language. I don't think the homesickness is overwhelming anymore, which is a start, but I do know that it's there. I think I want to share this beautiful city with people from home. That's what it is. I'm loving being here AND I really want people from home to see it and see how I am changing here. I can't wait to live more here so that I'm even more changed by the time I get back. I will still always be Holland, but just like when I got home from Oberlin, I'm going to be infused with the experience of Prague. I can't wait to share it, I'm just bursting with excitement over that. So, is it really homesickness? Maybe not. I think it's home-giddyness.
Aight, welp. I have internet at the apartment now. A great thing for a night like this when I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. To add to the Plaug about stages: so the third was being 'okay' with being on my own. I think I've conquered that a little. I need to get better at it when taking naps. Naps I think also freak me because I feel like I'm wasting my time - which I'm almost sure comes from living in New York. Since Prague reminds me so much of NYC, I feel like I have to be occupied - no, overbooked - every second of every single day. I have trouble relaxing. Ok, fourth is the moment when I try to insert myself back in the home situation (either by visiting back home or talking with people from home a lot) and I realize that, in fact, I've created a rhythm in the new place that gets interrupted if I focus too much on home life. This of course doesn't mean I don't love home or the people there (I miss people like crazy!) - what it means is that I may be able to make it another couple of days without constant home contact. It's cool. I've been chanting for a rhythm for a while and I am moving towards a pretty good one, which means I won't have to depend on home peepz AS MUCH, which gives them a little breather as well. Mom and dad may or may not be included in this breather. Perhaps because I'm an only child.
Anyway.
The point is, I feel like I was knocked flat on the ground for a good month here and I'm slowly brushing myself off and getting back up to my feet. I won't forget anything or anyone (though I sometimes worry about the reverse. of course its bogus...I'm just a worrier!) but I am beginning to stand on my own.
Yay!
In fact, for a Virgo, that activity is very satisfying.
Oh wait. I haven't plaugged in a while, have I?
Mmk, so updates:
1.) Sir? Please stop looking at me so lecherously.
It has come to my attention that Czech men, or at least the ones I've come into contact with, have very lecherous faces. That needs to stop. Whether they really are looking at me that way (like the guy who asked me something in Czech that was probably 'come home with me' on the tram this...3am...) or not doesn't matter. It needs to stop.
2.) ITMI: In This Moment I...
Here is what I told a friend recently: "Well, in this moment I am doing amazingly well. I feel so happy that my trekking paid off (I have a month's worth of internet that begins tomorrow) and I have arrived at the perfect internet cafe where the waitress is sweet, the tea is original and I have my own little shrine in the corner with pillows and space galore.
Conversely, in the recent week or so I've been tackling MAJOR self-woes that have dragged me down for years. Meeting European classmates and learning from how they handle stress/adult life has opened my eyes to new ways of dealing with myself and I finally feel like I'm breaking through into adulthood.
...in other words, I'm good. How are you?"
So, I suppose that sums it up best, hm?
Every moment is completely different here and, though I won't admit it out loud, that's exactly how I like it.
3.) The Benny Five
This seems to be the Tried and True self-affirmation that got me through a WHOLE LOT in Oberlin. I've moved in and out of a lot of sayings because positive self-talking is NOT my strong point. I've moved through Sister Goddessly chatting, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, crying...lotsa stuff, and it's all helpful.
I have found something new, too. "I AM OKAY." I simply repeat it over and over to myself until I believe it or until I really am OKAY. I mean, it can vary, depending on the situation: "I am loved" "I have done nothing wrong" "I am making the right choice" "Look at how much you've done!" "I am completely perfect in every single way."
It's really been helping, and I'm glad because it's been a tough road to being able to surpass anxiety. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all. I'm just saying that this is working right now in this time and space and I'm feeling SO good about it.
4.) And there is so much more...
God, I'm just learning so much here. I mean, that's what I cam here for, right? That's what I set out to Europe to do. To learn as much as I possibly could about a the many zillion things I don't know. I am growing up before my own eyes and everyone here is helping me to get there. I want to travel and I affirm that it will happen soon. I think it's all so difficult to take in because I know that I have a whole 'nother semester abroad, and yet I'm very homesick. I don't know if it's the pull of New York City or what, but I miss pizza and 24 hour delis and late night cookie dough ice cream dates with Kyle. I miss Steak and Shake and watching the wall for hours at a time. Everything here is BIG. I wake up to BIG WIDE WORLD of adulthood everyday in a completely new place with a totally different language. I don't think the homesickness is overwhelming anymore, which is a start, but I do know that it's there. I think I want to share this beautiful city with people from home. That's what it is. I'm loving being here AND I really want people from home to see it and see how I am changing here. I can't wait to live more here so that I'm even more changed by the time I get back. I will still always be Holland, but just like when I got home from Oberlin, I'm going to be infused with the experience of Prague. I can't wait to share it, I'm just bursting with excitement over that. So, is it really homesickness? Maybe not. I think it's home-giddyness.
Aight, welp. I have internet at the apartment now. A great thing for a night like this when I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. To add to the Plaug about stages: so the third was being 'okay' with being on my own. I think I've conquered that a little. I need to get better at it when taking naps. Naps I think also freak me because I feel like I'm wasting my time - which I'm almost sure comes from living in New York. Since Prague reminds me so much of NYC, I feel like I have to be occupied - no, overbooked - every second of every single day. I have trouble relaxing. Ok, fourth is the moment when I try to insert myself back in the home situation (either by visiting back home or talking with people from home a lot) and I realize that, in fact, I've created a rhythm in the new place that gets interrupted if I focus too much on home life. This of course doesn't mean I don't love home or the people there (I miss people like crazy!) - what it means is that I may be able to make it another couple of days without constant home contact. It's cool. I've been chanting for a rhythm for a while and I am moving towards a pretty good one, which means I won't have to depend on home peepz AS MUCH, which gives them a little breather as well. Mom and dad may or may not be included in this breather. Perhaps because I'm an only child.
Anyway.
The point is, I feel like I was knocked flat on the ground for a good month here and I'm slowly brushing myself off and getting back up to my feet. I won't forget anything or anyone (though I sometimes worry about the reverse. of course its bogus...I'm just a worrier!) but I am beginning to stand on my own.
Yay!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Filmmaking: Not as Glamourous as the Movies
So, um. I will probably blog longer later, but I am so excited right now because I'm sitting in one of my favorite wifi spots with none other than the infamous ANITA HOLLANDER!!!! Of course, we're sitting with our computers in front of our faces, but we have DEFINITELY talked it up this weekend. Since Hope came to visit a little while ago, things have roller-coastered. Actually, come to think of it, since filmmaking way back in the day (meaning last weekend, when we were making Project Two - was that a week ago now?) I've felt like things have begun to move SO fast. After this week of classes, we get a week off to work on PROJECT THREE, which, as of yet, I have not been cast in. It's really disheartening and making me feel all kinds of bad about myself, but something else I'm learning is that feeling that way is actually all right. It's something I'm probably gonna feel over a thousand more times in my life (hopefully not for long each time) and so if I just let myself feel it - really go for it - it will go away eventually. Fighting it doesn't make any sense. Some other thoughts on that: mom and I had a conversation about how we only spend a total of 60-100 seconds doing things we fear. The time we spend angst-ing before and retching afterwards is more than we spend actually DOING those things (for me, it's usually telling people something that I'm unhappy with). SO. TRUE. Especially as I begin to realize that, since getting here, I've spent more time worrying about what other people are thinking as I have just enjoying the company. I wonder why I do that. It really begins to get to me.
The OTHER thing is this: If I am going to be the 'stand-out,' unclassifiable actress (short hair, RED, curvy, Queer, young and old looking at the same time) then I'm just gonna fucking BE. IT. I'm not going to waste my time trying to be thin, European and drop dead gorgeous with long flowing hair because, in the end, I'd be unhappy with trying and I'd get back to Oberlin feeling like shit because OH, GUESS WHAT? My girlfriend loves me just the way I am now and so do a BUNCH - nay, shall we say a zillion? - of friends and family back home, so who was I really trying to impress? The filmmakers and actors who I'm really only gonna see for this semester? The casting director who runs our program? Myself?
So I'm the fattest girl in the class? Hell YEAH I'm the fattest girl in the class!
Isaac (spelling?), one of the cinematography teachers apparently pointed me out in one of his classes as a committed actress. I think it's time I commit to being myself rather than what I think everyone else wants me to be. Yes, you heard me. What I THINK everyone else wants me to be. God, I need to find a way to get out of my head here.
In any case, Hope being here was just all kinds of amazing. We went to a Sherlock Holmes bar and sang Cher at a Gay Bar Kareoke night. WHAT?!?!?!
Having mom here is incredibly de-stressing. She has a lot of insight that I probably wouldn't think of in the moment and it's just good to have someone to talk to (for free!) who I've known forever and don't have to 'be' anything for. I'm all out of small talk, so having someone to just 'dive in' with is SO. COMFORTING.
Wow, that was a lot longer than I thought I would talk about all that.
Ummmmmmmm. Every moment is different. One second I'm great, the next I'm crying about home, the next I'm out and meeting with people I never thought I'd find (like some girls from Smith who are into Musical Theater). Also, Jay Deyonker from SURFLIGHT days is here and living AROUND. THE. CORNER. FROM. ME. Finally, a gay boy I can gush with!!!!!!!!
Mmk. 'Longer Letter Later' as it goes. LOVE! <3
The OTHER thing is this: If I am going to be the 'stand-out,' unclassifiable actress (short hair, RED, curvy, Queer, young and old looking at the same time) then I'm just gonna fucking BE. IT. I'm not going to waste my time trying to be thin, European and drop dead gorgeous with long flowing hair because, in the end, I'd be unhappy with trying and I'd get back to Oberlin feeling like shit because OH, GUESS WHAT? My girlfriend loves me just the way I am now and so do a BUNCH - nay, shall we say a zillion? - of friends and family back home, so who was I really trying to impress? The filmmakers and actors who I'm really only gonna see for this semester? The casting director who runs our program? Myself?
So I'm the fattest girl in the class? Hell YEAH I'm the fattest girl in the class!
Isaac (spelling?), one of the cinematography teachers apparently pointed me out in one of his classes as a committed actress. I think it's time I commit to being myself rather than what I think everyone else wants me to be. Yes, you heard me. What I THINK everyone else wants me to be. God, I need to find a way to get out of my head here.
In any case, Hope being here was just all kinds of amazing. We went to a Sherlock Holmes bar and sang Cher at a Gay Bar Kareoke night. WHAT?!?!?!
Having mom here is incredibly de-stressing. She has a lot of insight that I probably wouldn't think of in the moment and it's just good to have someone to talk to (for free!) who I've known forever and don't have to 'be' anything for. I'm all out of small talk, so having someone to just 'dive in' with is SO. COMFORTING.
Wow, that was a lot longer than I thought I would talk about all that.
Ummmmmmmm. Every moment is different. One second I'm great, the next I'm crying about home, the next I'm out and meeting with people I never thought I'd find (like some girls from Smith who are into Musical Theater). Also, Jay Deyonker from SURFLIGHT days is here and living AROUND. THE. CORNER. FROM. ME. Finally, a gay boy I can gush with!!!!!!!!
Mmk. 'Longer Letter Later' as it goes. LOVE! <3
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Yom Kippur at the River
"True, you can't see what you can't see, Holland, you can't hear what you can't hear, and you can't feel what you can't feel. But still, you can know that you're not alone, that you're adored, and that absolutely everything will continue to work out for your very best, as it always has.
It's built into your DNA -
The Universe"
Hope said that there’s something comforting about ritual (in her blog, http://hopegoesforth.blogspot.com/). That was so interesting because the first thing I wanted to do while fasting for Yom Kippur was go to the water and throw bread crumbs. I didn’t throw them because bread is expensive, but I did go to the water. I made a mix of music that was spiritually relevant to me, found the perfect spot (well, two spots: I faced one way for the beginning – past reflection – and 180’d for the end – future goals). I chanted and thought about what I didn’t do well and how I could improve. I cried a little and smiled a lot. I sung along to many of the songs. I basically had my own little service and I wrote some things down, first of which: If I had my way, all religious activity would begin and end with Shechechyanu. I wanted to take pictures, but I thought that was not appropriate. The water here is gorgeous and makes me feel at home. The swans were out and I could see the old churches and buildings among the luscious greenery. I will always be happy I took the time to do that, even if I was starving the whole time.
I broke my fast at the globe, where they had a screening of our first films. Seeing myself on film was not as scary as I was expecting it to be. I think I put on too much blush, but who’s counting, right?
I just liked the fact that I had something to see. I guess I didn’t REALLY believe them when they said we’d be making films this semester. I don’t know WHAT I was expecting, but I kinda thought I’d show up to a big scam, that the school wasn’t real and I’d just take the semester off. That probably explains why I’ve felt so weird being here for so long. I mean, yeah I miss everyone and stuff, but like I don’t think I REALLY. BELIEVED.
That’s the buzz word for the day: BELIEVE.
It's built into your DNA -
The Universe"
Hope said that there’s something comforting about ritual (in her blog, http://hopegoesforth.blogspot.com/). That was so interesting because the first thing I wanted to do while fasting for Yom Kippur was go to the water and throw bread crumbs. I didn’t throw them because bread is expensive, but I did go to the water. I made a mix of music that was spiritually relevant to me, found the perfect spot (well, two spots: I faced one way for the beginning – past reflection – and 180’d for the end – future goals). I chanted and thought about what I didn’t do well and how I could improve. I cried a little and smiled a lot. I sung along to many of the songs. I basically had my own little service and I wrote some things down, first of which: If I had my way, all religious activity would begin and end with Shechechyanu. I wanted to take pictures, but I thought that was not appropriate. The water here is gorgeous and makes me feel at home. The swans were out and I could see the old churches and buildings among the luscious greenery. I will always be happy I took the time to do that, even if I was starving the whole time.
I broke my fast at the globe, where they had a screening of our first films. Seeing myself on film was not as scary as I was expecting it to be. I think I put on too much blush, but who’s counting, right?
I just liked the fact that I had something to see. I guess I didn’t REALLY believe them when they said we’d be making films this semester. I don’t know WHAT I was expecting, but I kinda thought I’d show up to a big scam, that the school wasn’t real and I’d just take the semester off. That probably explains why I’ve felt so weird being here for so long. I mean, yeah I miss everyone and stuff, but like I don’t think I REALLY. BELIEVED.
That’s the buzz word for the day: BELIEVE.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Internet is a Goddess. People are nice, too.
GOD DAMN. How did I ever get along without the internet? I think that's the eternal question. Then again, I wasn't traveling random eastern european countries when I was FIVE.
So, instead of cataloging everything I've done, I wanna talk about New Beginnings. Sounds corny, right? Well, it's something I'm getting a CRASH COURSE in here. College was the first time I lived away from my parents and I gained some very important life skills that I wouldn't have learned if i hadn't been on my own that way. Now, I'm in a completely different country with expensive phone calls and mail so it's even more distance and difference.
Here's what I've learned so far:
First and foremost: I absolutely ADORE children. They are not judgmental and they are full of Love. They are the most honest human beings, which I've learned by making faces at children who don't speak my language: they either find it funny and laugh or don't find it funny and stare at me like a crazy person. However, they don't think I'm crazy because I speak English or because I have bright red hair. They've simply decided I'm not funny based on the action I just took. If I took another action they found funny, then I'd be a funny person. I've learned that, for many reasons, I want to work with children.
Next, I've learned that there are a few things I always do in a new place. First, I fall in Love. I want to stay there forever because it's so fantastically different than my 'old home.' Second, there is always the Crying Period. This is the first time I cry in my New Home. It usually happens about 4-5 days after I arrive, since the first days are all about finding some kind of grounding based on whatever I'm required to do there. Third, there is a point where I've become comfy with those around me and I need to learn how to be alone without feeling lonely or getting down on myself. That's where I'm at right now.
I've also learned that Dance is a universal language. You can be speaking to me in gibberish, but the movement will speak for itself: the story will be told. On that note. I've been writing and rewriting this for the past couple of days and I wanted to share that tonight, Tuesday September 29th, I took an African Dance class. In Prague. WHOA, right?!?!?! It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me how universal the language of dance is. Now I NEED to find an MMA class because that will REALLY cure the homesickness!
Lastly (or lastly...as of right now...), I need to remember a few things: I am lucky enough (and my dad will tell you this in a heartbeat) to be waking up, everyday, in a city I have never lived in before and may never be in again (possibly when I get rich and famous...). I get to experience something very rare here EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I get to explore my own psyche and how it works EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Beyond that (from something my beautiful girlfriend told me), I have a talent for reaching out to people I know and place I can go to get the help I need. Also (as a great man named Kyle Steven-Porter said to me in a letter), I am HOLLAND. FRIGGIN. HAMILTON...AND I CAN DO ANYTHING. Finally, (I know this because I am my mother's daughter) I am beautiful inside and out. Deep down, I know that's true and (as I was told by the brilliant Hope Rehak) no one else has to believe it but me.
Even in that, I know I have a huge array of support systems that I can grasp. I truly believe that Marina and I would drop everything if one was desperate for help. I know that I can always talk to Daniel as if there was no time between the last time we spoke. Grandma Iris WILL be around for coffee. Grandma Freddie loves to talk on the phone with me. I will receive calls and cards and most, importantly, Love that surpasses distance from all of my aunts and uncles. My 'little sisters,' Kia and Tara, will constantly remind me that friendship defies age and I will always have the most amazing gift of being able to pass on anything I've learned in the short year there is between us. I don't know how it happened, but I have a HUGE amount of friends at Oberlin, including Sam, Marysia, Hannah, Meredith, Erica, Ellie, Donnie, Heather, Kyla, Caitlin...and the list goes on!...and, despite what I fear, they're not going to forget me. Last, but MOST certainly not least, I have a big sister, who, while she's 9 hours behind me right now, misses me like crazy and reminds me that I have someone older to shine the light down the road.
Just reminding myself of all of these people (and believe me, this is NOT an exhaustive list!) - reminds me that, there will be a day when someone in the Prague Film School is part of my 'support group.'
I can't wait to see what happens next...
So, instead of cataloging everything I've done, I wanna talk about New Beginnings. Sounds corny, right? Well, it's something I'm getting a CRASH COURSE in here. College was the first time I lived away from my parents and I gained some very important life skills that I wouldn't have learned if i hadn't been on my own that way. Now, I'm in a completely different country with expensive phone calls and mail so it's even more distance and difference.
Here's what I've learned so far:
First and foremost: I absolutely ADORE children. They are not judgmental and they are full of Love. They are the most honest human beings, which I've learned by making faces at children who don't speak my language: they either find it funny and laugh or don't find it funny and stare at me like a crazy person. However, they don't think I'm crazy because I speak English or because I have bright red hair. They've simply decided I'm not funny based on the action I just took. If I took another action they found funny, then I'd be a funny person. I've learned that, for many reasons, I want to work with children.
Next, I've learned that there are a few things I always do in a new place. First, I fall in Love. I want to stay there forever because it's so fantastically different than my 'old home.' Second, there is always the Crying Period. This is the first time I cry in my New Home. It usually happens about 4-5 days after I arrive, since the first days are all about finding some kind of grounding based on whatever I'm required to do there. Third, there is a point where I've become comfy with those around me and I need to learn how to be alone without feeling lonely or getting down on myself. That's where I'm at right now.
I've also learned that Dance is a universal language. You can be speaking to me in gibberish, but the movement will speak for itself: the story will be told. On that note. I've been writing and rewriting this for the past couple of days and I wanted to share that tonight, Tuesday September 29th, I took an African Dance class. In Prague. WHOA, right?!?!?! It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me how universal the language of dance is. Now I NEED to find an MMA class because that will REALLY cure the homesickness!
Lastly (or lastly...as of right now...), I need to remember a few things: I am lucky enough (and my dad will tell you this in a heartbeat) to be waking up, everyday, in a city I have never lived in before and may never be in again (possibly when I get rich and famous...). I get to experience something very rare here EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I get to explore my own psyche and how it works EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Beyond that (from something my beautiful girlfriend told me), I have a talent for reaching out to people I know and place I can go to get the help I need. Also (as a great man named Kyle Steven-Porter said to me in a letter), I am HOLLAND. FRIGGIN. HAMILTON...AND I CAN DO ANYTHING. Finally, (I know this because I am my mother's daughter) I am beautiful inside and out. Deep down, I know that's true and (as I was told by the brilliant Hope Rehak) no one else has to believe it but me.
Even in that, I know I have a huge array of support systems that I can grasp. I truly believe that Marina and I would drop everything if one was desperate for help. I know that I can always talk to Daniel as if there was no time between the last time we spoke. Grandma Iris WILL be around for coffee. Grandma Freddie loves to talk on the phone with me. I will receive calls and cards and most, importantly, Love that surpasses distance from all of my aunts and uncles. My 'little sisters,' Kia and Tara, will constantly remind me that friendship defies age and I will always have the most amazing gift of being able to pass on anything I've learned in the short year there is between us. I don't know how it happened, but I have a HUGE amount of friends at Oberlin, including Sam, Marysia, Hannah, Meredith, Erica, Ellie, Donnie, Heather, Kyla, Caitlin...and the list goes on!...and, despite what I fear, they're not going to forget me. Last, but MOST certainly not least, I have a big sister, who, while she's 9 hours behind me right now, misses me like crazy and reminds me that I have someone older to shine the light down the road.
Just reminding myself of all of these people (and believe me, this is NOT an exhaustive list!) - reminds me that, there will be a day when someone in the Prague Film School is part of my 'support group.'
I can't wait to see what happens next...
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