Monday, October 19, 2009

So, now that I'm gonna have internet...

I'm gonna miss the experience I'm having right now: finding a random internet cafe and staying here for 3 hours as I try to sew up the holes that internet-less life has left.

In fact, for a Virgo, that activity is very satisfying.

Oh wait. I haven't plaugged in a while, have I?

Mmk, so updates:

1.) Sir? Please stop looking at me so lecherously.

It has come to my attention that Czech men, or at least the ones I've come into contact with, have very lecherous faces. That needs to stop. Whether they really are looking at me that way (like the guy who asked me something in Czech that was probably 'come home with me' on the tram this...3am...) or not doesn't matter. It needs to stop.

2.) ITMI: In This Moment I...

Here is what I told a friend recently: "Well, in this moment I am doing amazingly well. I feel so happy that my trekking paid off (I have a month's worth of internet that begins tomorrow) and I have arrived at the perfect internet cafe where the waitress is sweet, the tea is original and I have my own little shrine in the corner with pillows and space galore.

Conversely, in the recent week or so I've been tackling MAJOR self-woes that have dragged me down for years. Meeting European classmates and learning from how they handle stress/adult life has opened my eyes to new ways of dealing with myself and I finally feel like I'm breaking through into adulthood. other words, I'm good. How are you?"

So, I suppose that sums it up best, hm?

Every moment is completely different here and, though I won't admit it out loud, that's exactly how I like it.

3.) The Benny Five

This seems to be the Tried and True self-affirmation that got me through a WHOLE LOT in Oberlin. I've moved in and out of a lot of sayings because positive self-talking is NOT my strong point. I've moved through Sister Goddessly chatting, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, crying...lotsa stuff, and it's all helpful.

I have found something new, too. "I AM OKAY." I simply repeat it over and over to myself until I believe it or until I really am OKAY. I mean, it can vary, depending on the situation: "I am loved" "I have done nothing wrong" "I am making the right choice" "Look at how much you've done!" "I am completely perfect in every single way."

It's really been helping, and I'm glad because it's been a tough road to being able to surpass anxiety. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all. I'm just saying that this is working right now in this time and space and I'm feeling SO good about it.

4.) And there is so much more...

God, I'm just learning so much here. I mean, that's what I cam here for, right? That's what I set out to Europe to do. To learn as much as I possibly could about a the many zillion things I don't know. I am growing up before my own eyes and everyone here is helping me to get there. I want to travel and I affirm that it will happen soon. I think it's all so difficult to take in because I know that I have a whole 'nother semester abroad, and yet I'm very homesick. I don't know if it's the pull of New York City or what, but I miss pizza and 24 hour delis and late night cookie dough ice cream dates with Kyle. I miss Steak and Shake and watching the wall for hours at a time. Everything here is BIG. I wake up to BIG WIDE WORLD of adulthood everyday in a completely new place with a totally different language. I don't think the homesickness is overwhelming anymore, which is a start, but I do know that it's there. I think I want to share this beautiful city with people from home. That's what it is. I'm loving being here AND I really want people from home to see it and see how I am changing here. I can't wait to live more here so that I'm even more changed by the time I get back. I will still always be Holland, but just like when I got home from Oberlin, I'm going to be infused with the experience of Prague. I can't wait to share it, I'm just bursting with excitement over that. So, is it really homesickness? Maybe not. I think it's home-giddyness.

Aight, welp. I have internet at the apartment now. A great thing for a night like this when I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. To add to the Plaug about stages: so the third was being 'okay' with being on my own. I think I've conquered that a little. I need to get better at it when taking naps. Naps I think also freak me because I feel like I'm wasting my time - which I'm almost sure comes from living in New York. Since Prague reminds me so much of NYC, I feel like I have to be occupied - no, overbooked - every second of every single day. I have trouble relaxing. Ok, fourth is the moment when I try to insert myself back in the home situation (either by visiting back home or talking with people from home a lot) and I realize that, in fact, I've created a rhythm in the new place that gets interrupted if I focus too much on home life. This of course doesn't mean I don't love home or the people there (I miss people like crazy!) - what it means is that I may be able to make it another couple of days without constant home contact. It's cool. I've been chanting for a rhythm for a while and I am moving towards a pretty good one, which means I won't have to depend on home peepz AS MUCH, which gives them a little breather as well. Mom and dad may or may not be included in this breather. Perhaps because I'm an only child.


The point is, I feel like I was knocked flat on the ground for a good month here and I'm slowly brushing myself off and getting back up to my feet. I won't forget anything or anyone (though I sometimes worry about the reverse. of course its bogus...I'm just a worrier!) but I am beginning to stand on my own.


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