Saturday, October 10, 2009

Filmmaking: Not as Glamourous as the Movies

So, um. I will probably blog longer later, but I am so excited right now because I'm sitting in one of my favorite wifi spots with none other than the infamous ANITA HOLLANDER!!!! Of course, we're sitting with our computers in front of our faces, but we have DEFINITELY talked it up this weekend. Since Hope came to visit a little while ago, things have roller-coastered. Actually, come to think of it, since filmmaking way back in the day (meaning last weekend, when we were making Project Two - was that a week ago now?) I've felt like things have begun to move SO fast. After this week of classes, we get a week off to work on PROJECT THREE, which, as of yet, I have not been cast in. It's really disheartening and making me feel all kinds of bad about myself, but something else I'm learning is that feeling that way is actually all right. It's something I'm probably gonna feel over a thousand more times in my life (hopefully not for long each time) and so if I just let myself feel it - really go for it - it will go away eventually. Fighting it doesn't make any sense. Some other thoughts on that: mom and I had a conversation about how we only spend a total of 60-100 seconds doing things we fear. The time we spend angst-ing before and retching afterwards is more than we spend actually DOING those things (for me, it's usually telling people something that I'm unhappy with). SO. TRUE. Especially as I begin to realize that, since getting here, I've spent more time worrying about what other people are thinking as I have just enjoying the company. I wonder why I do that. It really begins to get to me.

The OTHER thing is this: If I am going to be the 'stand-out,' unclassifiable actress (short hair, RED, curvy, Queer, young and old looking at the same time) then I'm just gonna fucking BE. IT. I'm not going to waste my time trying to be thin, European and drop dead gorgeous with long flowing hair because, in the end, I'd be unhappy with trying and I'd get back to Oberlin feeling like shit because OH, GUESS WHAT? My girlfriend loves me just the way I am now and so do a BUNCH - nay, shall we say a zillion? - of friends and family back home, so who was I really trying to impress? The filmmakers and actors who I'm really only gonna see for this semester? The casting director who runs our program? Myself?

So I'm the fattest girl in the class? Hell YEAH I'm the fattest girl in the class!

Isaac (spelling?), one of the cinematography teachers apparently pointed me out in one of his classes as a committed actress. I think it's time I commit to being myself rather than what I think everyone else wants me to be. Yes, you heard me. What I THINK everyone else wants me to be. God, I need to find a way to get out of my head here.

In any case, Hope being here was just all kinds of amazing. We went to a Sherlock Holmes bar and sang Cher at a Gay Bar Kareoke night. WHAT?!?!?!

Having mom here is incredibly de-stressing. She has a lot of insight that I probably wouldn't think of in the moment and it's just good to have someone to talk to (for free!) who I've known forever and don't have to 'be' anything for. I'm all out of small talk, so having someone to just 'dive in' with is SO. COMFORTING.

Wow, that was a lot longer than I thought I would talk about all that.

Ummmmmmmm. Every moment is different. One second I'm great, the next I'm crying about home, the next I'm out and meeting with people I never thought I'd find (like some girls from Smith who are into Musical Theater). Also, Jay Deyonker from SURFLIGHT days is here and living AROUND. THE. CORNER. FROM. ME. Finally, a gay boy I can gush with!!!!!!!!

Mmk. 'Longer Letter Later' as it goes. LOVE! <3

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