So, I was all ready to have this big Halfway Point blog entry, right? I was gonna reflect on my time here and have all these quotes about making it through and being strong and I was gonna talk about things that I discussed with my parents over the phone and it was gonna be poignant and beautiful and amazing. And then...it was suddenly November 16th, I was sitting in front of my computer and I began to realize that I'm in it now. I'm living it, doing it, being here and I have just over a month left until I go home for the holidays and only about a month after that until I go to a WHOLE. 'NOTHER. CONTINENT and take the Holland Experience to a WHOLE. 'NUTHA. LEVEL.
Well, it's not surprising to me either than another landmark flew by as I was flouncing around being an American student in Europe. I was expecting my anniversary (3 years being clean of self-injury) to be Friday the 13th which is also To Write Love on Her Arms Day and I wanted to participate in both and knew that I wanted to go to the Great Synagogue (the Jewish Museum) in Rome that day. Well, in all the hustle and bustle, I totally forgot about both but I did go to the Synagogue and had a WONDERFUL time. It was sad and moving, but also inspiring (as was everything else we saw in Rome!). I was so mad, tho, when I realized this morning I completely forgot about my anniversary, so I went back to my calendar. A smile crept through when I learned I hadn't counted since July 25th and my anniversary was actually November 12th!!!!!!!
I am very happy that everything happened the way it did. I've been wishing for the time when self-injuring will truly be a part of who I was (not who I am) and I think this weekend is a real landmark in my movement towards that goal. I'm so happy about it and while I need to find a way to commemorate it, I am excited that my life dictate the commemoration rather than me trying to create it synthetically :D
Okay, that having been said, I think I'm gonna split this up into a set of three plaugs but I'll keep the title anyway cuz I like it.
Here are some musings from the midpoint:
- Shall I remind you, dearest Holland, that the reason you care so much, sometimes even worry so much, is because there still exists between you and life, a passionate love affair. And because of this, everything's going to be just fine (TUT)
Things are really good, I just have a lot of anxiety here, which some say is attributed to a little bit of culture shock. What I've learned recently is that I have a very strong sense of self. However, I think I need to do exactly what others are doing or need to make them happy or be something specific for them (perfect): that outweighs my sense of self and confidence and I get anxious.
…”if I did it their way I would be succeeding because they’re succeeding.” (Mom)
- “Never underestimate the beauty and the power of a dark, grey day.” –Dad’s phil prof (prof cotton) "I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do." (Email from Rachel)
The lowest of the low means that a fantastic high is coming. It's what I've learned from Buddhism and what I am experientially learning here in Prague.
- I do believe, Holland, that if people would just start by saying "it's fun," when it seems hard; "I'm happy," when they seem sad; and "I know," when it seems as if they don't, they'd finally discover that it really is, they really are, and they always have. (TUT)
- Sometimes u just have to be homesick and skype until the cows come home!!!!!